The Pain of Existing

The Pain of Existing

I woke up early again today — around 5 a.m. — with my back pain flaring at a solid 8 out of 10. Just getting out of bed was a mission. I moved slowly, trying not to wake my partner. They sleep lightly, and I want to give them every moment of rest I can.

I stumbled in the dark, scavenging for a clean-enough pair of shorts, socks, and a T-shirt. Somehow, I pulled it off — grabbed everything and made it to the living room to get dressed. That way, if I groaned or muttered while bending, at least I wouldn’t wake them. Socks stay the final boss of the morning. Some days I just shove my foot into the opening. I grind it into the rug. Eventually, I can pull it over my heel. Graceful? No. Effective? Most days.

Chronic pain teaches you tricks. Like picking up random things with your toes. Dropped a pen? Scrap of paper? Or a sock? Not worth risking a back spasm. You either kick it into a pile for later or use your feet like low-grade robot arms.

With clothes on and socks semi-secured, if a little crooked, I went for the usual pain control routine. Heating pad: no luck. Upright on the couch: still awful. Stepped outside for a joint. Came back. Stretched. Still barking nerves. But second time sitting? Slightly better. The heating pad hit the right spot, and I used my travel pillow to brace my neck. I even stole back 45 minutes of sleep before my partner’s alarm went off.

Then came the best part of the day: coffee. Together. On the couch. We sat, we sipped, we just were. I wish I can bottle that feeling. I made them a little breakfast — sliced apple and cheese — while I had cereal with a banana. Then, more stretching. Another joint. And the day can officially start.

The rest of the day will be spent doing one thing: managing pain. It’s cool, damp, and rainy — which always turns the pain up a few notches. Right now, I’m sitting at a 6/10. After this, I’ll step outside for another joint. Then I will do some more stretching. Afterward, I’ll lie down on the floor with my audiobook. I will try to give my body the break it keeps begging for. It’s a balancing act: doing just enough, resting just right.

The Pain Will Not Keep Me Down

I will keep Living — taking care of my body and doing what I can to stay healthy.
I will keep Breathing — taking deep breaths to calm my emotions and ease the pain.
I will keep Walking — moving forward, no matter how small the step, as long as it’s the next one.

#KeepLivingBreathingWalking